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Posts : 30
Join date : 2014-12-18
|Subject: Hakeem Al Qatan Thu Dec 18, 2014 4:45 am|| |
Name:Hakeem Al Qatan
Appearance: Tanned, Lean, Arabian Features, brown eyes, dark hair, 6 clean shaven ,foot 1 inch.Dons typical Assassin's robes. Missing ring finger on left hand like other assassins at the time.
Personality:Loyal and eager to please , Hakeem looks up to other Assassins. He still has the impatience and energy of youth, which can be at his disadvantage. He is usually easy-going, unlike his fellow assassins. Hakeem has secrets and feelings that he hides , and only reveals to who are closest to him.
Favorite Weapons: Arabian Saber, Hidden blade
Strengths: Physical Strengh and hieght are to his advantage , speed also on his side. Also gifted disguise and espionage.
Weaknesses:Too impatient, always first to strike. Hieght gives Hakeem a slight Stealth disadvantage .
Biography:Born in Damascus, Syria,1155 as a son of a cotton merchant,(Hence the name Al Qattan, which is Cotton Farmer in Arabic.) Hakeem was uninterested in the world of coins and scales. He preferred fighting and adventure instead, he mastered the art of free running at the age of 12, usually used to escape from fights with older boys. Tragically, his father died in a Crusader raid on his caravan, and his mother too later by grief. Devastated and orphaned, he began wandering the Levant in poverty and usually going to sleep starving. Miraculously, he found the Assassin fort of Masyaf and started his appretencship as an Assassin. 7 long years later, Hakeem is now a full fledged Assassin, ready to serve the brotherhood and live by the creed.
Last edited by Thelonewolf54 on Thu Dec 18, 2014 3:25 pm; edited 3 times in total
Posts : 143
Join date : 2014-11-30
Age : 17
Location : Florida, USA
|Subject: Re: Hakeem Al Qatan Thu Dec 18, 2014 6:12 am|| |
Short and sweet yet enough to tell the story. Pretty much how I roll, too. I'm not an Admin (or Jas, for the matter) to say you're accepted, but I would say so.
Posts : 30
Join date : 2014-12-18
|Subject: Re: Hakeem Al Qatan Thu Dec 18, 2014 11:46 am|| |
"Short and sweet yet enough to tell the story. Pretty much how I roll, too. I'm not an (or Jas, for the matter) to say you're accepted, but I would say so."
So, am I good to go?
Posts : 3543
Join date : 2014-11-22
Age : 22
Location : Arkham Asylum
|Subject: Re: Hakeem Al Qatan Thu Dec 18, 2014 12:39 pm|| |
As promised, here is my two cents worth:
First of all, consider the layout of your character application. Bullet-points and spacing between paragraphs not only makes the application easier to read, but it also allows for more detailed writing and it makes additions to the application much more easy. This is not essential, but it makes a world of difference.
(Now for the important stuff.)
Your description of Hakeem is very vague. If you could describe him in more detail, like eye colour, hair length and colour, it would help bring Hakeem to life.
Add more sauce to Hakeem's strengths. What is it that makes him valuable to the assassins? Does he have any special skills or abilities? You could also describe his weaknesses in more detail.
Now, about the biography. How did Hakeem master the art of freerunning? Was it because he needed to escape from fights? Consider how he felt when his father died. Did this affect his personality? How did he find Masyaf and how old was he when this happened?
I'm sorry if I have offended you in any way, it was not intentional.
Remember that the more descriptive a character application is, the easier it will be for other characters to interact with Hakeem in the RPs.
Posts : 129
Join date : 2014-10-27
Age : 20
Location : Toronto, Canada
|Subject: Re: Hakeem Al Qatan Thu Dec 18, 2014 12:58 pm|| |
A bit short for my tastes, yet somehow you manage to efficiently encapsulate a character in all that. Impressive. I'm going to give you a go-ahead, but usually like to make a few suggestions regardless (that you can take note of or completely ignore). There are two things that I think would be interesting to delve into in the bio, unless you're planning on roleplaying them out, the Crusader raid on wherever he lived and his journey to Masyaf. The Crusader raid mostly because it's an opportunity to a describe a cool set piece in a way and you can detail the exact circumstances in which Hakeem's father died. His journey to Masyaf would have been a fairly long one I assume, so there's a lot of room for an interesting encounter, meeting an important NPC in his life, etc. Whether you want to follow my suggestions or Voidman's is up to you, but Hakeem is now free to take on the Holy Land by storm! APPROVED
|Subject: Re: Hakeem Al Qatan || |