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 Assassin Brotherhood Training Video (SBSP Episode Parody)

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Essention
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PostSubject: Assassin Brotherhood Training Video (SBSP Episode Parody)   Sun Dec 07, 2014 1:08 am

Narrator: Welcome aboard. If you're watching this video, then let me be the first to say Congratulations! You've recently been inducted into the Assassin Brotherhood and this is your first official day of training.
Desmond: Can I use the Apple now?
Narrator: Oh no, you've got a lot to learn before you're ready to wield the Apple. As you can see by this Creed... [scene cuts to a clarinet reed.] [Narrator clears his throat] Creed. You have been recruited into one of the most successful factions in the world. But it didn't get that way over night...  ...because the Brotherhood has been around for centuries. No, the story of the Brotherhood is the story of one man's hard work, perseverance, vision, determination and sweat. But mostly his sweat.

From Humble Beginnings.

You may think that Mr. Altair Ibn-La'Ahad, legendary Grandmaster of the Brotherhood, has always been the murderous genius he's been. And you're right! After Abbas' mutiny, Altair stayed exiled from Masyaf for two decades that seemed endless. But then his luck changed when he acquired great knowledge and with a few minor alterations, the Brotherhood was reborn. Sounds like a lot of...
Templar Guard: Hoopla!
Narrator: Sounds like a lot of...
Templar Guard: Hoopla!
Narrator: Sounds like a...
Templar Guard: Hoopla! Hoopla!  *Killed*
Narrator: Sounds like a lot of hoopla to make over a little Apple of Eden right? HAHA! WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Brotherhood today.

Narrator: To keep up with today's demanding Assassins, no expense has been spared to acquire all the latest achievements in advanced technology.
Rebecca: [holds up a hidden blade in her left hand] This here's an advanced stealth mechanism. [now standing at the Animus] Here you can see our automated genetic memory system. Don't touch! [now holding some data chips] These are high-quality data storage devices. Imported. [holds up a headset] This here's a prototype voice transfer machine. [puts headset away] And most importantly, [holds up some water bottles] You get your state-of-the-art H2O units. Now, are you gonna get in the Animus or just stand there cause time's running short.
Narrator: All of this modernization seems a little overwhelming, doesn't it? Well luckily for you, Rebecca's fear of Abstergo's overlords keeps the balance of technology in check. But if modernization is the heart of the Brotherhood, then Assassins are the liver and gallbladder. Let's see if you got what it takes.
*Close up on Desmond*
Narrator: Hmm, poised, confident, and a smile that says, "Hey, wassa matter you Altair?" You've got the makings of a good Assassin, Mr. Miles! But for every good Assassin, there is one who is not so good.
*Close up on Shaun*
Narrator: Let's see, inattentive, impatient, a glazed look in the eyes. Look carefully at the "I Really Wish I Weren't Here Right Now!" button. There's a name for Assassin like this, but we'll call him "Shaun".
Shaun: Rebecca, when is this guy gonna leave me alone?
Rebecca: Sorry, can't hear you!

Training.

Desmond: Does this mean I get to use the Apple now?
Narrator: No, you can't use the apple without understanding the phrase ASS.
Desmond: ASS?
Narrator: Once you understand ASS, you'll understand your place in the Brotherhood. But what does ASS mean? It's actually a carefully organized code. Watch closely. Always Slay Stealthily.
Desmond: Ah, ASS! [smiles proudly]
Narrator: Looks like Mr. Miles understands ASS.
*In comes a Abstergo Guard, Rebecca behind a counter.*
Here's a typical enemy. I wonder what we should do. Well, if we just remember ASS, we can figure it out.
Narrator: Do you think we should: A: Flee, B: Negotiate, or C: KO?
Rebecca: *Pops out from the counter to kick the guard in the crotch and punch him unconscious.*
Narrator: Ah, ASS! You never let us down! Now that you understand ASS, I bet you think you're ready to use the Apple.
Desmond: FUCK YES! *Gets slapped senseless*
Narrator: Ha-ha! Not so fast, Eager McBeaver. We haven't even talked about:

Personal Hygiene.

Every Assassin in the Brotherhood must comply with a strict set of personal hygiene guidelines. OK, Mr. Miles, are you ready to prepare for your shift? A good Assassin always washes himself thoroughly. Be sure to get under those fingernails. And don't forget about the knuckles. And make sure those palms are squeaky clean. All right, let's see those hands. Now that's thorough! After making sure your boots are polished, your face is clear of any blemishes or blood stains, and your hidden blade is strapped tightly, you are ready to start the day. Now lets see how Shaun prepares for his shift.

Shaun: *One of the bathroom stall doors opens to show Shaun sitting on the toilet with his British magazine on his lap. He then notices that people are looking at him. He laughs nervously and shuts the stall door shut*

Narrator: Remember, no Assassin wants to be a Shaun! Now that you're clean and hygienic, I bet you think you're ready to use that Apple.
Desmond: WOOHOO! FUCK YEAH! *A hologram of Desmond appears in sync* FUCK YEAH! *And another* FUCK YEAH! *And another...* FUCK YEAH! *The holograms fade and Desmond is slapped by Lucy*
Narrator: Whoa there! We have a few more topics to cover first.

Your Work Station.

Narrator:It's important to keep your area tidy and free of droppings. But a clean workstation is only part of the job. To make the vision in your head a reality, you'll need supplies. And a good Assassin always keeps his supplies well-organized. Very nice Mr. Miles, not a file out of place. Now let's see how Shaun keeps his work station.
[Shaun is sleeping with a British magazine on his face. He wakes up]
Shaun: Huh? [shouts] Oh! [falls on the floor. A drawer opens up and conks Shaun in the head]
Narrator: Don't worry Shaun, Mr. Miles can cover for you. Now that your workstation is up and running, perhaps you think you're ready to use the world-famous Apple of Eden. [Desmond barks like a dog then runs around the room. Narrator laughs] Calm down. [a bone is thrown at him then he grabs it with his teeth and gnaws it] There's plenty of time left. We have to make sure you're ready for the psychological aspect of the job:

Interfacing with your Tactician

Shaun: Hello Desmond. Go away...
Narrator: Good job, Mr. Miles!
Desmond: [runs up to the camera] Can I use the Apple now--
Narrator: Now we go from behind the scenes to the front lines, where we'll examine the most important aspect of the Brotherhood, the Novice. Or as we like to say, the "Initiate".
Initiate: Uhh... What?
Narrator: Like precious, precious blood in an animal, the Initiate is what makes the Brotherhood strong and alive.
Initiate: Excuse me? I have something to report.
Shaun: Good. make it quick.
Initiate: Uhh... It's uhh... uhh... uhh... ah... *Lost in thought until Shaun snaps the Initiate back to reality.* Huh, what?
Shaun: Stop standing there are just spit it out!
Narrator: Ah-ah-ah, Shaun, remember what Altair has said.
Altair: *Off screen* Never compromise the Brotherhood!
Initiate: Yeah, Shaun. Calm down a bit.
Shaun: Fine. What is it that you need?
Initiate: Uhh... uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...
Narrator: We'll check up on these two later. Right now, it's important that we discuss an:

Emergency situation!

Narrator: Like the lost gold of Atlantis, many consider the Apple to be a treasure. And as with every treasure, there's a thief ready to steal it. So it's up to you to be the watchful eyes of... *The apple is snatched from under that table* What's this? *VIDIC HAS IT AND IS RUNNING* It's the grand-master of Abstergo, Vidic!
Vidic: Eat my dust, Assassins! Your precious Apple is finally mine!
Narrator: He's stealing the Apple! What are you going to do, Mr. Miles?
*Desmond screams and runs around, pushing things to create obstacles. Lucy just casually walks up to Vidic*
Vidix: You'll never catch me, Miss Stillman, not after I switch into maximum overdrive! *sprints* Hi-ya! *But trips on his shoelace* I knew I should have checked them when I got here. [Desmond is still screaming and knocking over things] Hear me Assassin! You'll take this Apple from me when you pry it from my cold, dead... *Lucy knocks Vidic out with a punch, takes the Apple, and tosses his body out of the building.*
Narrator: And so, another emergency is avoided, thanks to Mr. Miles. Let's check in on Shaun again. Psst, Shaun.
Shaun: Huh?
Narrator: Just remember ASS.
Shaun: Actuslly, if I could make a suggestion. Is there someone you have found that is important?
Initiate: Of course!
Squidward: [sighs] What is his or her name? [closes his mouth but the initiate is droning again. Shuan bangs his head on the desk]
Narrator: Hang in there Shaun, it's all part of the job. [scene cuts to a shot of Altair's codex] Now that you've learned the basics of your training, it's time for the moment you've been waiting for. [a blue screen appears with the Apple of Eden slowly coming closer to the screen. The narrator is singing, then exhausted pants, and takes a deep breath, then resumes]

Wielding the Apple of Eden!

Narrator: At the center of every great dynasty is the crown jewel that keeps it alive and bribing. For the Brotherhood, this is the Apple. And now you, the humble Assassin off the street, the all-too-necessary human resource that keeps this faction afloat, will learn the sacred and dark secrets of how to wield, with your very own hands... The sumptuousness, lip-moistening, spine-tingling, heart-stopping plot device that is a Apple! Are you ready? [Desmond nods] Are you sure? [He nods even harder] Ok! The functions of the Apple are-- [cuts to black before he says what it does]

((I AM SO NOT SORRY))


Last edited by Essention on Sun Dec 07, 2014 10:42 pm; edited 7 times in total
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PostSubject: Re: Assassin Brotherhood Training Video (SBSP Episode Parody)   Sun Dec 07, 2014 1:09 am

inb4 too long didn't read

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PostSubject: Re: Assassin Brotherhood Training Video (SBSP Episode Parody)   Sun Dec 07, 2014 1:12 am

I'm kidding, this is actually pretty cool.

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